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Sometimes I start to write things on here and I get interrupted by my children and never finish them. It is like I lose my train of thought and that is just it. Sometimes I write things on here and I am too scared too publish them. Sometimes I can’t write at all because there is just nothing there. Nothing. It’s as if I am all used up and I just don’t have anything left over. I am numb and I just cannot do anything else. I think I have been pretty numb off and on for a while now, so I find something that I think works for me until it just doesn’t anymore. Then I am numb again. And the cycle goes on and on. And I find myself wondering what does it all mean? What am I doing? What am I DOING? I remind myself that I am doing something so important right now, I am raising little humans, teaching them to be kind, loving and brave. Teaching them to do the right thing and to be nice at school. Helping them to learn about faith and not to be afraid to ask questions and seek out the answers. Teaching them to think for themselves and sometimes just teaching them to hold a pencil, or tie a shoe or even put their pants on. It is such important work, exhausting work, and sometimes it is work that leaves you feeling all used up and spit out. And sometimes it is wonderful when you watch your children do things that you taught them to do. And even though it didn’t seem like it at the time, they were listening to you!
It is hard to hold on to those moments when your kids are screaming in the grocery store. It is hard to hold on to those moments when your 2 year old cries about everything all morning long and you can’t understand what she is saying! At the end of the day there is just NOTHING left. NOTHING! I always think that the mom’s with the babies and the toddlers and the preschoolers, were are in the thick of it, just trying to do the best we can without pulling our hair out. But it seems like every age comes with its own set of problems and you are just finished with one textbook and the whole thing changes completely. I don’t think we are ever going to know the exact right thing to do at the exact right time. You just have to do what you can, what you think is right and learn to forgive yourself when you screw it up. Perhaps it would be good if all of us mothers kept a journal just for those precious moments and we can pull it out when everything has gone to hell that day. I think it would help me for sure. Sometimes I really need those reminders, I think we all do, especially on the rough days. I know we always try to put our best side out there for everyone to see but I think sometimes it is just good to know that things don’t ever go perfectly for any mom. So if you run across a mom who is having a hard day, just give her a smile, one that says that it is going to be okay!
And one last thing, the other day I was at Target, with my giant buggy empty behind the van while I buckled the kids in and this very nice lady came and said ” If you are done with that, I will take this back for you. It has been a long time, but I have been where you are.” I told her thank you. But what I really meant was ” Thank you for noticing that I could use a little help. The fact that you stopped to help me means a lot to me. And honestly, it really makes my day better knowing that someone cares enough to take a moment to help make my day a little easier.” And maybe that IS the bigger more important thing : Seeing and noticing what is going on around me. Trying to help others. Trying to understand others. It doesn’t have to be anything big to make a difference to someone else. And then not only have you made someone else feel better, you feel better, and if you’re kids are watching, it is probably a better lesson than any speech you could ever give.